i kinda lied to y’all about something. i’m sorry. please accept this beautiful photo i took as a gesture of my remorse:
like it? forgive me? well, even if you don’t, the flower-in-the-pool shot still acts as a nice segue to what i lied about. see, it’s like this: i CAN swim. it’s true. i am indeed CAPABLE of swimming. if you threw me into the ocean or a pool, though i would rightfully despise you for the rest of eternity (unless you later proved useful at dispatching unwelcome home pests), i wouldn’t just sink to the bottom. the fact is, i’m just not real keen on The Water. i don’t like it in my eyes. i don’t like it in my ears. and most of all, i don’t like it up my nose. so the only way i can make myself swim, outside of a life-or-death situation, is if my nose is clamped and my eyes are protected. granted, this is still a bit of a theory based on one day when i had a swimming pool all to myself. i pinched my nose closed with one hand, squeezed my eyes shut, and attempted to propel myself through the water using my one free arm. believe it or not, it worked, proving not only that the loss of an arm shouldn’t hinder anyone’s dreams of a career involving swimming but also that i CAN swim. sort of.
now, this only became true of me as an adult. as a child, my parents sent me and my sister to the Y for swim lessons. my sister had her success chart checked off all the way from “puts face in the water” to “swims the length of the pool” or whatever. my chart was checked off through “puts face in the water.” when i think back on the beach vacations we took as a child and how my parents let me go out into the ocean with nothing but an inflatable drugstore raft standing between me and death, i am appalled. what were they thinking? granted, one bad flip-over off that raft—you know the kind: the sudden loss of above-water sounds, the powerful ocean tossing and dragging you, rough sand pelting you from all sides, no concept of which way is up because your eyes are squeezed shut so tight, A SUDDEN, EARLY AWARENESS OF YOUR OWN MORTALITY…well, maybe you don’t know the kind. but anyway, let me get flipped like that once, and i was content to spend the rest of the afternoon sitting with the adults. maybe that was what my parents were counting on. a “she won’t be at that for long” approach. but just imagine if i had drowned! they’d have been sorry then!
soooooo yeah. point is this: i went back to long’s and bought myself a nose clip and some goggles. hey, you know what would make my ensemble complete? a rubber-flowered swim cap. just thought i’d say that before anyone else did. scoff if you will, yo—I’M GETTIN’ IN THE POOL!!!